“Dad is lost!!
He left in the car over 4 hours ago and we haven’t heard from him since!”
My brother was so worried, the worst-case scenario running through his head, when he called me. Not that he was expecting there was much I could do, he just needed someone to share his concern.
The pie store was a 15-minute drive from our parent’s home and Dad had been going there for over 40 years. Now it was 6pm and pitch-black outside. Dad didn’t like to drive in the dark anymore.
I looked at the long list of information I had collected about them but found I had never recorded their licence plate number. No help there, all we could do was wait and hope.
When Dad eventually found his way home he had been driving for over 6 hours. His was drained of all colour and he was exhausted. Without a word he went to bed. He would never talk to anyone about what happened that night.
My siblings and I weren’t recognising the early signs of dementia that was evident in both our parents, we just thought it was old age.
And we had been taught in our family to always be polite - don’t call out anyone’s mistakes, don’t embarrass people by addressing their slip-ups or lapses in judgement. So, when they were showing confusion, we all kept quiet. We wanted them to maintain their dignity and independence.
Except they weren’t independent. Over time we had started to make sure one of us was with them every day. It was becoming untenable.
We worried, and tried to help them without being obvious. Our suggestions would be dismissed by them, they thought they were doing fine. They didn’t see how much we were helping them, and still it wasn’t enough.
One day Dad fell and lay on the floor of the hall, unable to get up. Instead of calling for help, Mom tried to make him comfortable until my brother showed up hours later. It was then we knew something had to be done.
Talking to our parents about leaving the home they could no longer manage and get the help they didn’t think they needed was so hard. Even telling Dad he shouldn’t drive any longer felt impossible. We could have used someone to guide the conversation.
It took a while, with many ups and downs, and eventually we were able to set up a good situation for our parents and we were more able to just enjoy their company without the same level of worry.
Since then, I have seen so many different family concerns that stem from the ageing process.
“My Mom is so hard to be around, she accuses me of stealing her jewellery and is so angry all the time”
“My friend seems to be giving a lot of money to her grandson. I wonder if I should talk to her children.”
“I don’t have a life anymore because Dad’s needs keep escalating.”
“The children just moved Mary from her home and we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye”
Having been a family mediator for decades, I realised that this is now where I wanted to apply my mediation expertise. I saw I could help families dealing with the complexities of ageing and have productive conversations.
I became certified as an Elder Mediator (sometimes known as Intergenerational or Older Adult Mediator), someone who helps people have discussions and make decisions involving an ageing loved one. Since then it is my privilege to assist those who are ageing and their loved ones to find the best answers for them.